it's just a hole wordle

http://wordle.net/

It's just a hole

A crowd gathered at the dark entrance. Mr. Garden Hose harrumphed. Mrs. Abscessed Tooth chewed her fingernails and looked at the ground. It's just a hole in a very old wall, said Ernest.

tell me under the bridge

tell me the other side of where and i shall be there. tell me under the where and i shall be under there. tell me where to pain the flowers and i shall get a shovel. tell me over where the horses run and i shall run over the horses. tell me where to bridge and i shall canal. tell me where on the map and i shall burn the map. tell me where the toilet and i shall run to the toilet. tell me where the beer and i shall run to the beer. tell me where the deer and i shall run over the deer. tell me where the mountain and i shall the ocean. tell me under the bridge and i shall over the wheat field. stop telling me what to do.

some more spam that I've received

top ten top ten lists

top ten names for a pet tarantula: pete, beulah, llcoolj, klondike, gigabyte, patches, bozo, smithy, yolanda, and toke the magnificent.

top ten uses for an empty milk carton: cat litter dispenser, sand storage, spoiled milk suppository, tarantula nest, ice scoop, paper weight, pretend telephone, legal pad, recipe bulletin board, and suggestion box.

top ten places to place your urn: on the mantle, on the patio, in the forest, in the yard, on the roof, in the dog house, in the bathroom, in the gymnasium, in the coat closet, and in an aquarium.

top ten excuses: my dog ate it, my cat ate it, my dad ate it, my mom ate it, I ate it, my grandma ate it, my great uncle ate it, my neighbor ate it, my teacher ate it, and my other dog ate it.

top ten pancake shapes: mickey mouse ears, rorschach test, barf, nascar track, jackson pollack, island, minnie mouse ears, indy car track, bull ring, and moon.

top ten time killers: watching tv all weekend at the super 8, time share promo vacation, lawnmower races, drinking in convenience store parking lot, building fires in orchards, steak knife sales conference, tailgating cops, reading convenience store magazines, drawing turtles to get into art school, and trying out chairs at the pottery barn.

top ten ways to watch tv: in bed, sick, drunk, tired, asleep, on the couch, in a chair, at the kitchen table, upside down, and blindfolded.

top ten questions: you wanna? whatcha doin? spare some change? got a light? what's your name? smell that? why'd you do that? where you goin? could you turn that off? and you think?

top ten rejected scratch and sniffs: toilet, sandpaper, corpse, paper, glue, concrete, silly putty, golf course, road crew, and criminal.

top ten brand names for children's names: chevrolet, walmart, mattell, nabisco, shell, chevron, nilla, starbucks, sonic, and california pizza kitchen.

whatever happened to howard cosell?

where are the fur hats and the vodka with black bread, hard boiled egg, and red onion? where have i parked my steamship blue lada? where have i left my glossy mafia catalog and my uzi t-shirt? where have i left my capitalism golf polo and free enterprise key chain? somewhere in the taiga amid the permawind i am sitting on a frozen lake fishing for pushkin. i am freezing on a lake fishing for akhmatova and painting death smiles on snowmen. where are the fur hats and the gold wide world of sports blazers? whatever happened to howard cosell?

where did the lovelorn sheep

dave i've walked the narrow hills and the cobble stone walkways of forgotten cities and coughed on the dust of south american barrios. i've forgotten the photos and melted the ice cream. dave i've two cents and a box of newspapers. dave i've a half-drunk bottle of vodka and crushed aspirin in a spoon. i've run from happy dogs and angry cats. i've painted sidewalks with blood and slept in vacant lots. i've two train ticket stubs and a view of the hills. dave where did the horny blue skies? dave where did the thorny green thighs? dave where did the lovelorn sheep in the sleeping barn? i've shorn the lovely hills and the cobble stone heads and forgot the dust.

do you remember the tumbleweeds

dave i've been a lazy sink full of dishes. mo wash the dishes. they're green. mo why are you throwing away the dishes. mo you are a lazy sink full of salmon. i am a salmon of lazy sinks. sink, salmon! dave why are you a lazy capitalizer of letters? mo tell dave to stop it. i should probably tell you i am wearing the same socks today that i wore yesterday. do you remember the tumbleweeds that piled up on the chain link fences in our childhoods? do you remember the smell of four-inch deep dust around the russian olive trees by the river? i remember the quail and the blackberries and the cloudless blue skies. i remember the copper abe lincoln statue in the library and the air conditioning and the stacks of enyclopedias. i remember the dirty socks and the tall lush grass and the stolen sips of beer. i've a lazy sink of photographs and nothing. i've a salmon lost in the gravel. the gravel and the gold and the blood red pebbles and the pure hearts of fish out of water.

in a glass jar on a shelf

are those burgers flame broiled, asked the peel and eat shrimp
are those shrimp peel and eat, asked the cheese dip
is this cheese dip made with Gouda, asked the fishmonger
somewhere a thief helped himself to the spare change in a glass jar on a shelf

Some Reasons Why I Haven't Been Blogging

I was on safari in Africa and the tour Jeep ran out of gas and the group I was traveling with had to walk a hundred miles through cobra/lion infested savanna and not everybody made it but the tour guide made us carry what was left of our travel mates' corpses plus about halfway out we were abducted by aliens who made us enroll in the H&R Block tax preparation class so as a payback I've been working twelve hours a day at the H&R Block in Terre Haute, Indiana, for the past month. About two weeks into that job I began having cobra flashbacks and had to go into electric shock therapy which knocked a filling loose so I had to have some emergency dental work done. The dentist screwed up and worked on the wrong tooth so I filed a malpractice lawsuit and had a full day of depositions, but before that I had to go shopping for new clothes. While I was shopping I ran into several people I hadn't seen for years though I don't remember their names nor how I know them--we talked about all the good times I don't remember and then went our separate ways, promising to stay in touch...

Toilet for Sale or Rent

My toilet lies under the ocean. My toilet lies under the sea.
I dream of Toilet with the light brown hair.
(I think I shall never see
a poem lovely as a toilet.)
I saw the best toilets of my generation destroyed by Sani-Flush, starving hysterical
naked,
scrubbing themselves through the Ajax streets at dawn looking for an angry brush...
There's no place like Toilet.
The cow jumped over the toilet.
Popeye toil't till he puk't, and then he toil't s'more.
I'd have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for them meddling kids and their mangy toilet.
Rub the lamp and receive three toilets.
The Great Wall of Toilet.
The Big Toilet.
That Toilet'n Town.
(Short toilets got no reason
Short toilets got no reason
Short toilets got no reason
to live)
I ain't got no red toilets...

some good places to drink beer

on the couch
on the toilet
in your car
in my car
at a bar
at a pub
at a tavern
at a restaurant
at a cafe
at a hotel
at a motel
at an inn
at a dive
at a fleabag motel
at an hourly motel
in a hot tub
in the kitchen
on the front porch
on the living room floor
at the kitchen table
under the kitchen table
in the front yard
in the back yard
in the swimming pool
in the bathtub
in the neighbor's yard
in the street
in the alleyway
in the driveway
in bed
at work
in a dream
in a daydream
in a daydream at work
on an airplane
in a bus
on a train
on a skateboard
on a hike
at a picnic table
on water skis
while parachuting
on a brewery tour
in jail
on the beach
in the forest
in the desert
in an empty irrigation canal
floating on an inner tube
in a submarine
on a boat
on a raft
in the closet
under the bed
in the rec room
in the woodshed
by the woodpile
at the bowling alley
at the baseball game
at the football game
in the parking lot at a baseball or football game
behind the 7-11
behind the Rite-Aid
on the side of the road while hitchhiking
on the side of the road while sunbathing
on the side of the road while reading
at the library
at the pet store
at the grocery store
at the political rally
at a concert
at church
at the bus stop
at a piano recital
under a full moon
under a starless sky
in solitary confinement
in a museum
at a hockey game
at a basketball game
at a soccer match
in the electronics department at Sears
on a riding lawnmower

and more spam I've received

vertabrae twine
boundless license
brittle die
fanciful blusher
administration momentary
pour schmaltzy
hooky truancy abrupt
phi appliance childish
priority reputable
air traffic controller yacht
rocking chair wow
electric yardstick
contraption barnacle
junk mail blow-dry
huh headway
vie grocer
sitting agonized
cancellation rigmarole
refrigeration endowment
insight unfamiliar
boost gloominess
chauvinistic hermetic
itch cook
warn enlightened
lacy unsettled
color indirect
run tantalizingly
do my shamefaced
despair other
demoralize smarts
fidgety poised
grungy manipulation
leer node
whim bribe
tidal sin
oatmeal tabulate
baffled typify
go potential
overpriced former
hydroelectric friendless
railroad crossing exec
annotated hypothermia
remake cringe

subject headers of spam I've received

runway bump
subculture servant
urbane variously
trench double
gain grease
cargo deportee
preliminary enrichment
drab BBQ
deal sluggish
visor stiffness
dopey pleat
urban variously
obedient holy
restive decapitate
presecutor culmination
hurdler casing
cactus competence
crimson hypotheses
augment gigabyte
pasteurize lowdown
nobleman youth hostel
aquatic foundation
tolerance amelioration
nightie grown
leggings garter
detonator ploy
eagerly blackhead
lib discretionary
foxhole disclose
inflation Eskimo
janitor southwestern
equate hood
fridge fast food
screwdriver rascal
simper deal
sabbath shafer interlude
indoctrination hoard
researve guarantee
writer classical
orange ceiling
swimmer lumbering
blond avaricious
electric shock
inoffensive hesitantly
adamant high roller
cultural resin
clung greenback
nicely conversant
gold medalist foci
harassment choppiness
coffin wildly
currant orientation
backhand radiant
periscope thousandth
home loan simulate
fill incoherent
malted milk drinker
elect wages
marsupial gross

w, w, w, w, w, w words (or not)

wombatasty
whizbangladesh
whittlekins
wanderbust
wonderbronze
wishfulfillment
winesong
woodificould
wideloadstone
wrapperview
weavesome
wheatkill
wafflesmell
wrestlemap
wandpond
woofwoofhoof (I now pronounce you dog on horse)
wharfratatat
wigfart
whigprig
welfarce
willowdown
whiskerchief

b,b,b,b,b,b words (or not)

buntface
bubblejunk
boozelegs
brastacean
biblips
bivalvecream
bedsighs
bumprump
bovinebrain
beepbeepcreep
bowwowvow (I now pronouce you dog on dog)
boyserious
Boiserious, Idaherroneous
banzaiyams
billowpillow
battleshit
baffleship
boondocksfish
buckaroozoo
bedsorbet
buckettalk
butterties
bogglequeer
boxcarnal

that wasn't very nice

Someone threw a large carrot? Now, that wasn't very nice, thought someone as she stood in line for mixed nuts. As she approached the front of the line, she could see in the distance as a '75 Barracuda careened over a cliff and crashed in an enormous ball of fire and twisting metal. Imagine, she thought, wasting a perfectly good carrot.

follow the directions correctly

The grizzly bear lives on Rural Route 2, Snow Cave, Past the Icy Creek and Up the Old Tree-Covered Mountain, Stop for Huckleberries in Season, Have a Sip from Glacial Fjord Lake, and Sleep All Winter and Burn the Fat. His place is easy to find if you follow the directions correctly. A perky bottle of chianti and a small bunch of fragrant wildflowers in water are appreciated.

someone threw a large carrot

What about the mixed nuts? There was a promise of mixed nuts, murmered someone in the crowd. Mrs. Chainsaw walked by clutching a canvas shopping bag full of cans of condensed soup and one greeting card. Mrs. Abscessed Tooth bicycled by with a large bunch of celery strapped to her back. Everyone turned away from Mrs. Chainsaw to watch as Mrs. Abscessed Tooth whooshed by. As she approached, someone threw a large carrot at her head. The carrot missed and hit Mr. Garden Hose on the nose. The hitchhiker leaned over to lend him a hand. As the hitchhiker leaned over, Father noticed his long lost pet fly strip, Pasty, affixed to the hitchhiker's back. He hitched a ride on a motorcycle driven by a monocled salmon with a gold tooth. As they sped down the road, Father spotted Ernest, lying still in a large pile of leaves. "It is, after all, only a large pile of leaves," said Ernest. Back in town, a bewildered gardener asked an ancient librarian about the nuts.

as it approached a cliff

Mr. Hutchings-Claymore gripped the steering wheel tightly with both of his hands. He wore a plain white tee shirt and faded brown corderoy beret. He held an unlit pipe in his teeth. The stereo was turned off. One sock was white, the other tan. A two-day old newspaper and a cheeseburger wrapper lay on the passenger seat next to him. In the trunk, Mrs. Hutchings-Claymore lay bound with rope and duct tape over her mouth. A bowling trophy, adorned with a plastic silver eagle, was taped to Mrs. Hutchings-Claymore's hands. The car accelerated as it approached a cliff.