tell me under the bridge

tell me the other side of where and i shall be there. tell me under the where and i shall be under there. tell me where to pain the flowers and i shall get a shovel. tell me over where the horses run and i shall run over the horses. tell me where to bridge and i shall canal. tell me where on the map and i shall burn the map. tell me where the toilet and i shall run to the toilet. tell me where the beer and i shall run to the beer. tell me where the deer and i shall run over the deer. tell me where the mountain and i shall the ocean. tell me under the bridge and i shall over the wheat field. stop telling me what to do.

some more spam that I've received


top ten top ten lists

top ten names for a pet tarantula: pete, beulah, llcoolj, klondike, gigabyte, patches, bozo, smithy, yolanda, and toke the magnificent.

top ten uses for an empty milk carton: cat litter dispenser, sand storage, spoiled milk suppository, tarantula nest, ice scoop, paper weight, pretend telephone, legal pad, recipe bulletin board, and suggestion box.

top ten places to place your urn: on the mantle, on the patio, in the forest, in the yard, on the roof, in the dog house, in the bathroom, in the gymnasium, in the coat closet, and in an aquarium.

top ten excuses: my dog ate it, my cat ate it, my dad ate it, my mom ate it, I ate it, my grandma ate it, my great uncle ate it, my neighbor ate it, my teacher ate it, and my other dog ate it.

top ten pancake shapes: mickey mouse ears, rorschach test, barf, nascar track, jackson pollack, island, minnie mouse ears, indy car track, bull ring, and moon.

top ten time killers: watching tv all weekend at the super 8, time share promo vacation, lawnmower races, drinking in convenience store parking lot, building fires in orchards, steak knife sales conference, tailgating cops, reading convenience store magazines, drawing turtles to get into art school, and trying out chairs at the pottery barn.

top ten ways to watch tv: in bed, sick, drunk, tired, asleep, on the couch, in a chair, at the kitchen table, upside down, and blindfolded.

top ten questions: you wanna? whatcha doin? spare some change? got a light? what's your name? smell that? why'd you do that? where you goin? could you turn that off? and you think?

top ten rejected scratch and sniffs: toilet, sandpaper, corpse, paper, glue, concrete, silly putty, golf course, road crew, and criminal.

top ten brand names for children's names: chevrolet, walmart, mattell, nabisco, shell, chevron, nilla, starbucks, sonic, and california pizza kitchen.


whatever happened to howard cosell?

where are the fur hats and the vodka with black bread, hard boiled egg, and red onion? where have i parked my steamship blue lada? where have i left my glossy mafia catalog and my uzi t-shirt? where have i left my capitalism golf polo and free enterprise key chain? somewhere in the taiga amid the permawind i am sitting on a frozen lake fishing for pushkin. i am freezing on a lake fishing for akhmatova and painting death smiles on snowmen. where are the fur hats and the gold wide world of sports blazers? whatever happened to howard cosell?


where did the lovelorn sheep

dave i've walked the narrow hills and the cobble stone walkways of forgotten cities and coughed on the dust of south american barrios. i've forgotten the photos and melted the ice cream. dave i've two cents and a box of newspapers. dave i've a half-drunk bottle of vodka and crushed aspirin in a spoon. i've run from happy dogs and angry cats. i've painted sidewalks with blood and slept in vacant lots. i've two train ticket stubs and a view of the hills. dave where did the horny blue skies? dave where did the thorny green thighs? dave where did the lovelorn sheep in the sleeping barn? i've shorn the lovely hills and the cobble stone heads and forgot the dust.

do you remember the tumbleweeds

dave i've been a lazy sink full of dishes. mo wash the dishes. they're green. mo why are you throwing away the dishes. mo you are a lazy sink full of salmon. i am a salmon of lazy sinks. sink, salmon! dave why are you a lazy capitalizer of letters? mo tell dave to stop it. i should probably tell you i am wearing the same socks today that i wore yesterday. do you remember the tumbleweeds that piled up on the chain link fences in our childhoods? do you remember the smell of four-inch deep dust around the russian olive trees by the river? i remember the quail and the blackberries and the cloudless blue skies. i remember the copper abe lincoln statue in the library and the air conditioning and the stacks of enyclopedias. i remember the dirty socks and the tall lush grass and the stolen sips of beer. i've a lazy sink of photographs and nothing. i've a salmon lost in the gravel. the gravel and the gold and the blood red pebbles and the pure hearts of fish out of water.