stuffing large underground silos

The Cheese Doodle War started innocently at first. Crunchistan began stockpiling crunchy cheese doodles near the border of Puffalonia, pouring the doodles into fortified, waterproof underground bunkers. Officials stated this program was to ensure a steady supply of crunchy cheese doodles, but government officials in Puffalonia feared Crunchistan was in fact preparing for all out cheese doodle war.

A few weeks passed and still Crunchistan continued filling underground bunkers with the popular cheese snack. Citizens in Puffalonia, startled at their neighbor's hostility, began marching in the streets, demanding retaliation. All the while, Puffalonia, under the leadership of the Snacking Party, began secretly stuffing large underground silos with puffy cheese curls. During this time, a covert operation was begun, as undercover intelligence officers from the Cheesy Intelligence Agency, or CIA, filled short-range missiles with Cheez Whiz.

Tensions grew more and more serious. Cheese doodle shortages predominated in both countries as citizens stockpiled underground bomb shelters. A few foolish people even resorted to spraying plastic packing peanuts with spray cheese, but their resulting deaths served as a reminder to others that only authentic doodles sustain life.

Weeks passed. Puffalonians and Crunchistanians marched in the streets of their capital cities. Television pundits traded barbs and predicted the other side would blink first. But no one ever blinked. Each country stepped up production of cheese doodles. Each country increased its enormous stockpile of cheese doodles. The world watched with horror as the two feuding countries dug a deep moat between them and built enormous cheese doodle catapults aimed at one another.

And so the Cheese Doodle War started, when one day a guard, snacking on a bag of nacho corn chips, tripped on a pebble and fell into the moat and drowned. It is not even worth noting which side he was guarding. It was many years ago, and everyone has since lost the taste for cheese-flavored snacks.


burning cougars saving schoolchildren

Top Ten Things to Do When a Small-Time Lit Mag Editor Rejects Some Bit of Writing You Sent in the Vain Hope of Publishing It:

1. Invent unconventional sports team names: Peoria Peanut Butter Aficionados; Lubbock Storm Drain Sox; Portland Scabby Elbows; Tacoma Jongs; Nevada Sexually-Transmitted Disease Sufferers; Atlanta Melted Velveetas.
2. Pick bits of lint out of your navel while awaiting a train.
3. Eat God Save the Queen brand sardines packed in oil you bought at Rite-Aid.
4. Pat your pet fly strip, Pasty, on the head and stare at the wall.
5. Pack a small duffel bag with three changes of clothes, a small handheld tape recorder, one pencil, and a pad of recycled notepaper, then walk to the street corner and stick out your thumb for a ride.
6. Accept a ride from an elderly man who says he's going to hell but can drop you off at a gas station somewhere down the road.
7. Sit on a curb in front of a gas station somewhere and hum "God Save the Queen."
8. Get out pencil and pad and outline an "All in the Family" episode you remember from years ago in which Archie says something bigoted and Meathead objects and Gloria cries and Edith gets Archie a beer.
9. Draw a stick figure lying on a bed of nails surrounded by burning cougars and imagine it's an editor who, though he liked your bit of writing, said he would pass on it anyway.
10. Write a short story about burning cougars saving schoolchildren from an advancing tornado.

check his pockets, navel, and knee behinds

More Things to Do, This Time While Waiting for a Train to Arrive in Station:

1. Pick bits of lint from the bottoms of your pockets.
2. Pick bits of lint from your navel.
3. Pick bits of lint from your sweater.
4. Pick bits of lint from behind your knees.
5. Wonder how bits of lint became lodged behind your knees.
6. Pick bits of lint from the cashmere sweater of the man seated next to you in the waiting area.
7. Explain to the man seated next to you that lint has been found to be highly toxic.
8. Ask the man seated next to you if you could check his pockets, navel, and knee behinds.
9. Pick bits of lint from between the cheeks of your derriere.
10. Wonder where the man seated next to you has disappeared to so suddenly.

God Save the Queen

Top Ten Things to do While Waiting for a Freighter to Arrive in Port:

1. Clip fingernails while whistling "God Save the Queen."
2. Clip fingernails while scratching crotch and humming "God Save the Queen."
3. Clip fingernails while burping up last night's dinner and singing "God Save the Queen" at lungs' full capacity.
4. Clip coupons for God the Save Queen brand toenail shavings at Rite-Aid.
5. Stop clipping coupons for God Save the Queen brand lip balm at Rite-Aid and slip into a coma and fall off a park bench onto the ground, scattering several dozen pigeons in whirrs of surprise.
6. Walk slowly toward a bright light at the end of a long, long tunnel, while in the background a tinny, scratchy recording of "God Save the Queen" plays.
7. Cough uncontrollably and rue the day you dropped out of barber college to pursue a career schlepping God Save the Queen brand vacuum cleaners door to door.
8. After dreaming of the lost financial opportunities that could have been had by opening a chain of God Save the Queen Barber Colleges, wake from a coma and find a half dozen sardines in your left breast shirt pocket.
9. Clip a coupon for a tin of God Save the Queen brand sardines packed in oil at Rite-Aid.
10. Read an upside down road map of Switzerland with a God Save the Queen brand magnifying glass purchased at Rite-Aid.