Failed religions, part 1

In the year 205, a goatherder, sleeping on a steep hillside above the village of Armpit, saw unto him an angel who said hark, go forth and preach the gospel of orange peel baby robes. Climb the heavenly pile of rotting donkeys and worn out tires and strum the golden notes of truth on the banjo. Or just forget it and herd your damn goats, you illiterate simpleton.


bad hut ideas

amish only electronics and liqour hut
expired yogurt hut
snails r' us hut
your very own quonset hut
i can't believe it's not a pterodactyl hut
genital herpes hut
buckets o' tar hut
exorcism hut
pet rock hut
if i only had a shovel hut
slut hut
porcelain and karate hut
books on duct tape hut

not in a theater near you

raiders of the fallen arches
raiders of the medicare prescription plan
indiana jones and the early bird special
indiana jones and the hip replacement surgery
indiana jones and the curse of the bed pan
indiana jones and the temple of drool
indiana jones and the last bowel movement
indiana jones and the collapsed lung
indiana jones and the dnr
raiders of the purple cross prepaid funeral

not in the ark

two plaid la-z-boys with cupholders and remote control holsters
bonnie and clyde
two horny cabbage patch kids
a pair of randy senior citizens, a wheelchair, and some vaseline
an '84 Camaro, an '85 Trans Am, and some WD-40
a can of hair spray, a lighter, black silk nylons, and a map of Berlin
a bulldozer, a dump truck, and a bald guy in an orange vest
99 luftballons, Captain Kirk, and a general

not in the user's manual

1) scrub infested sores with lemon juice and rice wine vinegar
2) treat a headache with sake and a strobe light
3) to save money on cleaning bills, tumble dry clothes with a dead cat rolled in glue and cat litter
4) to get that dead cat smell out of dryer, tumble dry aerosol can of butter flavored pan spray
5) to get musty dead cat smell out of clothes, tumble dry clothes with a can of butter flavored pan spray rolled in glue and cat litter
6) to get cat litter out of clothes, tumble dry clothes with a ball of rags saturated with fruit punch
7) to get fruit punch out of cat litter, tumble dry cat litter box with a large plastic bottle of liquid dishwasher detergent
8) to clean dishes, tumble dry dishes with two dead cats rolled in liquid dishwasher detergent
9) to get bits of glass out of dead cats, tumble dry magic beads and Tibetan prayer wheel with a ball of rags saturated with Hi-C orange drink


not in exodus

1) thou shalt not blow on thy trumpet and yell out "it's rapture time!"
2) a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
3) thou shalt spend the sabbath day, whether a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, hunting for a good yard sale.
4) thou shalt honor thy Ben and thy Jerry.
5) thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's blog.
6) for a good time, call 867-5309.
7) thou shalt cover thy Volkswagen Bus in bath mat flowers and political bumper stickers.
8) thou shalt not gossip about Lost without first saying "spoiler alert."
9) thou shalt not replace thy neighbor's goldfish with an exact replica.
10) thou shalt not microwave food (or thy neighbor's goldfish) until it explodes.


not in genesis

1) god made adam and eve sit down and shut up.
2) god made adam and eve watch the employee orientation video.
3) god made adam and eve make beer can macrame hats.
4) god made adam and eve snow globes.
5) god made adam and eve some pumpkin pie.
6) god made adam and eve drink pepsi.
7) god made adam and eve drop and do twenty.
8) god made adam and eve vacuum their bedrooms.
9) god made adam and eve the people they are today.
10) god made adam and eve admit they have a problem.

top ten rejected openings

1) it was a lightless and cloudy period of darkness.
2) it was a garbage bag strangling night.
3) it was a bark and meow night.
4) it was a cricket and guitar night.
5) it was a pillow suffocation night.
6) it was a grabby and grunty night.
7) it was a sweaty pajamas night.
8) it was a mustache and bald spot night.
9) it was a night with no light and with lots of storms.
10) it was an unreasonably black and windy nighty night.

and interviewed the secretary

if you pounded your head on the keyboard and thought about styx singing mister roboto and drew pictures of square pans of lime green jello and listened to wilfred brimley reading books on tape by vladimir nabakov and took two aspirin and drank soda water with a lemon wedge and interviewed the secretary of funny pants and placed bets on runs like glue and saggy saddle and hitch-hiked across the county and sang conway twitty songs and grew green beans and sat in a chair in a rainstorm, your head would hurt.


It's just a hole

A crowd gathered at the dark entrance. Mr. Garden Hose harrumphed. Mrs. Abscessed Tooth chewed her fingernails and looked at the ground. It's just a hole in a very old wall, said Ernest.


tell me under the bridge

tell me the other side of where and i shall be there. tell me under the where and i shall be under there. tell me where to pain the flowers and i shall get a shovel. tell me over where the horses run and i shall run over the horses. tell me where to bridge and i shall canal. tell me where on the map and i shall burn the map. tell me where the toilet and i shall run to the toilet. tell me where the beer and i shall run to the beer. tell me where the deer and i shall run over the deer. tell me where the mountain and i shall the ocean. tell me under the bridge and i shall over the wheat field. stop telling me what to do.

some more spam that I've received


top ten top ten lists

top ten names for a pet tarantula: pete, beulah, llcoolj, klondike, gigabyte, patches, bozo, smithy, yolanda, and toke the magnificent.

top ten uses for an empty milk carton: cat litter dispenser, sand storage, spoiled milk suppository, tarantula nest, ice scoop, paper weight, pretend telephone, legal pad, recipe bulletin board, and suggestion box.

top ten places to place your urn: on the mantle, on the patio, in the forest, in the yard, on the roof, in the dog house, in the bathroom, in the gymnasium, in the coat closet, and in an aquarium.

top ten excuses: my dog ate it, my cat ate it, my dad ate it, my mom ate it, I ate it, my grandma ate it, my great uncle ate it, my neighbor ate it, my teacher ate it, and my other dog ate it.

top ten pancake shapes: mickey mouse ears, rorschach test, barf, nascar track, jackson pollack, island, minnie mouse ears, indy car track, bull ring, and moon.

top ten time killers: watching tv all weekend at the super 8, time share promo vacation, lawnmower races, drinking in convenience store parking lot, building fires in orchards, steak knife sales conference, tailgating cops, reading convenience store magazines, drawing turtles to get into art school, and trying out chairs at the pottery barn.

top ten ways to watch tv: in bed, sick, drunk, tired, asleep, on the couch, in a chair, at the kitchen table, upside down, and blindfolded.

top ten questions: you wanna? whatcha doin? spare some change? got a light? what's your name? smell that? why'd you do that? where you goin? could you turn that off? and you think?

top ten rejected scratch and sniffs: toilet, sandpaper, corpse, paper, glue, concrete, silly putty, golf course, road crew, and criminal.

top ten brand names for children's names: chevrolet, walmart, mattell, nabisco, shell, chevron, nilla, starbucks, sonic, and california pizza kitchen.


whatever happened to howard cosell?

where are the fur hats and the vodka with black bread, hard boiled egg, and red onion? where have i parked my steamship blue lada? where have i left my glossy mafia catalog and my uzi t-shirt? where have i left my capitalism golf polo and free enterprise key chain? somewhere in the taiga amid the permawind i am sitting on a frozen lake fishing for pushkin. i am freezing on a lake fishing for akhmatova and painting death smiles on snowmen. where are the fur hats and the gold wide world of sports blazers? whatever happened to howard cosell?


where did the lovelorn sheep

dave i've walked the narrow hills and the cobble stone walkways of forgotten cities and coughed on the dust of south american barrios. i've forgotten the photos and melted the ice cream. dave i've two cents and a box of newspapers. dave i've a half-drunk bottle of vodka and crushed aspirin in a spoon. i've run from happy dogs and angry cats. i've painted sidewalks with blood and slept in vacant lots. i've two train ticket stubs and a view of the hills. dave where did the horny blue skies? dave where did the thorny green thighs? dave where did the lovelorn sheep in the sleeping barn? i've shorn the lovely hills and the cobble stone heads and forgot the dust.

do you remember the tumbleweeds

dave i've been a lazy sink full of dishes. mo wash the dishes. they're green. mo why are you throwing away the dishes. mo you are a lazy sink full of salmon. i am a salmon of lazy sinks. sink, salmon! dave why are you a lazy capitalizer of letters? mo tell dave to stop it. i should probably tell you i am wearing the same socks today that i wore yesterday. do you remember the tumbleweeds that piled up on the chain link fences in our childhoods? do you remember the smell of four-inch deep dust around the russian olive trees by the river? i remember the quail and the blackberries and the cloudless blue skies. i remember the copper abe lincoln statue in the library and the air conditioning and the stacks of enyclopedias. i remember the dirty socks and the tall lush grass and the stolen sips of beer. i've a lazy sink of photographs and nothing. i've a salmon lost in the gravel. the gravel and the gold and the blood red pebbles and the pure hearts of fish out of water.


in a glass jar on a shelf

are those burgers flame broiled, asked the peel and eat shrimp
are those shrimp peel and eat, asked the cheese dip
is this cheese dip made with Gouda, asked the fishmonger
somewhere a thief helped himself to the spare change in a glass jar on a shelf