Duh! Go to the Triple A

Well, there's no point in hiking the Himalayas if you don't have a map, said Mr. Plan. There is if you're suicidal, said Mr. I Hadn't Thought of That. Or, if you hope to be adopted by a pack of Himalayan Wolves, said Mr. That's Just Nuts. You can get an up to date map of the Himalayas, including altitudes, historical sites of interest, and clean rest areas with free coffee, from Triple A, said Mr. Rotarian. Or a competing map with marked information kiosks, bike rentals, and tiger facts, from the Himalayan Chamber of Commerce, said Mr. Cuff Links. What if I need to pee in the Himalayas, asked Mrs. Afraid to Squat. Duh! Go to the Triple A, said Mr. Plan.


Failed religions, part 1

In the year 205, a goatherder, sleeping on a steep hillside above the village of Armpit, saw unto him an angel who said hark, go forth and preach the gospel of orange peel baby robes. Climb the heavenly pile of rotting donkeys and worn out tires and strum the golden notes of truth on the banjo. Or just forget it and herd your damn goats, you illiterate simpleton.


bad hut ideas

amish only electronics and liqour hut
expired yogurt hut
snails r' us hut
your very own quonset hut
i can't believe it's not a pterodactyl hut
genital herpes hut
buckets o' tar hut
exorcism hut
pet rock hut
if i only had a shovel hut
slut hut
porcelain and karate hut
books on duct tape hut

not in a theater near you

raiders of the fallen arches
raiders of the medicare prescription plan
indiana jones and the early bird special
indiana jones and the hip replacement surgery
indiana jones and the curse of the bed pan
indiana jones and the temple of drool
indiana jones and the last bowel movement
indiana jones and the collapsed lung
indiana jones and the dnr
raiders of the purple cross prepaid funeral

not in the ark

two plaid la-z-boys with cupholders and remote control holsters
bonnie and clyde
two horny cabbage patch kids
a pair of randy senior citizens, a wheelchair, and some vaseline
an '84 Camaro, an '85 Trans Am, and some WD-40
a can of hair spray, a lighter, black silk nylons, and a map of Berlin
a bulldozer, a dump truck, and a bald guy in an orange vest
99 luftballons, Captain Kirk, and a general

not in the user's manual

1) scrub infested sores with lemon juice and rice wine vinegar
2) treat a headache with sake and a strobe light
3) to save money on cleaning bills, tumble dry clothes with a dead cat rolled in glue and cat litter
4) to get that dead cat smell out of dryer, tumble dry aerosol can of butter flavored pan spray
5) to get musty dead cat smell out of clothes, tumble dry clothes with a can of butter flavored pan spray rolled in glue and cat litter
6) to get cat litter out of clothes, tumble dry clothes with a ball of rags saturated with fruit punch
7) to get fruit punch out of cat litter, tumble dry cat litter box with a large plastic bottle of liquid dishwasher detergent
8) to clean dishes, tumble dry dishes with two dead cats rolled in liquid dishwasher detergent
9) to get bits of glass out of dead cats, tumble dry magic beads and Tibetan prayer wheel with a ball of rags saturated with Hi-C orange drink


not in exodus

1) thou shalt not blow on thy trumpet and yell out "it's rapture time!"
2) a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
3) thou shalt spend the sabbath day, whether a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, hunting for a good yard sale.
4) thou shalt honor thy Ben and thy Jerry.
5) thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's blog.
6) for a good time, call 867-5309.
7) thou shalt cover thy Volkswagen Bus in bath mat flowers and political bumper stickers.
8) thou shalt not gossip about Lost without first saying "spoiler alert."
9) thou shalt not replace thy neighbor's goldfish with an exact replica.
10) thou shalt not microwave food (or thy neighbor's goldfish) until it explodes.


not in genesis

1) god made adam and eve sit down and shut up.
2) god made adam and eve watch the employee orientation video.
3) god made adam and eve make beer can macrame hats.
4) god made adam and eve snow globes.
5) god made adam and eve some pumpkin pie.
6) god made adam and eve drink pepsi.
7) god made adam and eve drop and do twenty.
8) god made adam and eve vacuum their bedrooms.
9) god made adam and eve the people they are today.
10) god made adam and eve admit they have a problem.

top ten rejected openings

1) it was a lightless and cloudy period of darkness.
2) it was a garbage bag strangling night.
3) it was a bark and meow night.
4) it was a cricket and guitar night.
5) it was a pillow suffocation night.
6) it was a grabby and grunty night.
7) it was a sweaty pajamas night.
8) it was a mustache and bald spot night.
9) it was a night with no light and with lots of storms.
10) it was an unreasonably black and windy nighty night.

and interviewed the secretary

if you pounded your head on the keyboard and thought about styx singing mister roboto and drew pictures of square pans of lime green jello and listened to wilfred brimley reading books on tape by vladimir nabakov and took two aspirin and drank soda water with a lemon wedge and interviewed the secretary of funny pants and placed bets on runs like glue and saggy saddle and hitch-hiked across the county and sang conway twitty songs and grew green beans and sat in a chair in a rainstorm, your head would hurt.


It's just a hole

A crowd gathered at the dark entrance. Mr. Garden Hose harrumphed. Mrs. Abscessed Tooth chewed her fingernails and looked at the ground. It's just a hole in a very old wall, said Ernest.